My life as a dragon, prodigal and Jonah

If I had to pick who I related most to in the Bible I would have to say it is a cross between Jonah and the Prodigal son.  Jonah heard God's call but ran away because he was scared.  The prodigal son thought he was good enough to make life on his own so he took his inheritance and ran away with it; realizing that he couldn't make it on his own.  To many times I think I can handle life on my own so I'm like ok Dear Jesus fill me with your spirit so then I can go and face the earth on my own.  Which I might tackle for a little bit at first, but "his inheritance" then is gone and I'm without anything.  Or Jesus is like hey tricia how about this and I"m like nahh I cant do that, I'm gonna run away over here.  Either way I'm running away on my own without Jesus really on my side.  I know He's there, but I'm not choosing to allow him to work through me and have his power at work.  I'm taking things into my own hands thinking that I can get the job done or can find something better to do.  This is awful, cause there is no way that I'm able do anything on my own.  When I do I literally end up eating crap with the pigs or become vomit.  Jesus has given me so much that I get greedy and tend to run with the little power I think I have.

It kind of reminds me of Eustace in C.S. Lewis' The Voyage of the Dawn Treader when they stop on an island filled with gold.  Eustace finds this huge collection of gold and wants to take as much as he can, he puts a bracelet on his arm and starts stuffing his pockets, but then he turns into a dragon, cause that's what happens when you get greedy or something.  And unlike the movie, Eustace isn't able to become human again until Aslan comes and breathes on him.  He tried and tried to tear off his scales but it just wasn't working, but with the power of Aslan the scales were able to fall off.  And yes this was a painful process as he was stripped of his true greedy self into the individual he was created to be.

See Eustace was so consumed about all of the riches that were provided he become extremely greedy and literally an awful creature.  And the only way for him to become himself he had to go through a painful "refining" process.  Jesus has given us all we need and the blessings we do receive we are to also give away and not hoard them.  Those riches were never meant for Eustaces use.  I don't know what they were really were for.  But my point is that Eustace was surrounded by great wealth and only thought about himself and not how it could be used for others.  Now thats a far stretch cause I don't think you are supposed to mess with dragons treasure...but the story of greed and turning into a dragon goes along in my head with running with my inheritance early and not getting the full package.

I'm impatient and don't really want to wait for what God has in-store for me, I don't wanna go through a refining process to shed my old skin. Even tho all of those things are for the best. Sometimes I see the power of Jesus and just run with it thinking I can do all things on my own.  Or I'm the opposite and I become fearful of what Jesus wants me to do and flee.  Either way I'm not running in the direction I need to.  I need to stop running and just see what God has in store for me and use his resources to help me instead of just keepings his blessings for the betterment of my self.

No NSO For Me

This is my first fall of not going to school and its weird to think that I'm not going but new students are filling in.  I can't believe how much I miss NSO weekend at Greenville.  Mostly because this would be the time I would be reuniting with my friends whom I hadn't seen for a few months and watching all the freshman come in.  I would feel like my life was starting to get in order.  Even tho I didn't move into Greenville in August last year, I knew I would be in a few months.  But now I'm seeing all the statuses about heading to college and sitting at home trying to figure out my next life steps.  I have a good plan set, but its not the same.  Life is going to change so much in this next year.  I know good can come out of it, and I'm ready for some changes like having a job and my own place.  Its just the not knowing what this change will bring, but I can't worry about that.  I've got stuff in front of me I have to deal with instead of looking a year down the road.

Honestly I kind of want my life to be like the set of "how I met your mother."  Granted I don't want to be Ted, but I love the community they have.

Life is messy.

I remember my freshman year of college thinking man this is kinda hard, and then hearing my RC say enjoy it now cause it gets harder.  And I thought to myself, it can't get any harder.  But it did my sophomore year, granted all my classes were upper division, but still.  I don't know why but that little phrase has stuck with me ever since, reminding me there is always going to be a greater challenge ahead of me and that I'm going to get through this one.

Looking back, my freshman year was easy, even tho it down right sucked as I adjusted to having numerous people pass away and adjusting from doing homework on my own time to a professors time.  I survived and then had the best four years of my life. Plus I made some of the most meaningful relationships of my life and wouldn't change it for the world.  

Even though I can look at my past and see where I survived and know things will eventually get better, I still get caught up with that wonderful thing called fear. Fear that all of this new change won't be as rewarding. Fear of not working with my passions.  And fear of not keeping the friendships I made the last few years. As much as I'd love to just shake them off, they tend to sneak back into my life.

I need to be patient. I can't have everything fall into place at the snap my fingers.  It would be nice, but life doesn't work like that.  And when I stop my brain from running down the awful track of fears and disappointments I see that I'm actually in an ok place.  There are so many people out there with much less and more lost than me.  My name is tricia thacker and I'm a scared, selfish lil American.